Hargis Family

So last post I was bragging about being 25 weeks....and since I'm slow to blog these days.....I guess I should reveal our newest addition Ford William Hargis! Born July 30th, 2016 at 9:10am- weighing 7lbs 13oz (even though he quickly dropped to 7lbs once the swelling disappeared!) and 20inches long!

 He decided to come only two short days after my MD felt it was safe to stop all my meds that we're keeping him safely in my belly! After 4 1/2 weeks of bedrest, 2 tabs of procardia every 4 hours, progesterone injections weekly, ultrasounds and lab work bi-weekly and multiple fetal non-stress tests when we reached 37 weeks I couldn't help but feel like all of that was 100% worth it....even when I seriously just wanted to stop it all! It was the night of the 29th after posting this pic on social media that I felt like I was gonna POP that....sure enough I did! (Coincidently, the night my water broke, July 29th, is Blake and Conor's original due date- I feel like someone might of had a hand it that!) 

I opted to deliver naturally without an epidural which I'm so happy I did- but sometimes question my sanity that night! But it was so nice to feel normal, shower, & walk around literally less than an hour after delivering! 

We have now spent 2 months as a family of 4 and it has been such a blessing.....and learning experience! Learning to juggle a new baby and all of Blakes therapies, school, and medical appts is for sure new territory to us- and we are still trying to get the hang of it but we are getting there! 

Blake started riding the school bus this year....WHICH HE LOVES! The bus driver always brags that he is always so happy- smiling and laughing the whole ride! Blake is enjoying school so far, and is tolerating it so much better than the previous two years...especially considering the fact that our 'sleep in till 9am' kiddo is having to get up at 6am so that he can get on the bus at 6:30! We are still working on playing with peers and communicating, as well as walking, and much more but slowly we are seeing improvements everyday. We have been so happy with the progress Blake has made this year and hope to continue to see more now that Ford is here too!

Ford is now 2 months old, and he is a haus! We have never had a fat kid, and let me tell you, this kiddo loves to eat! He is smiling and even attempting to giggle now, he loves to play on his playmat, and with this little animal toy that Blake picked out for him at the store. Ford does have some belly issues that we are slowly seeing get better with the addition of Zantac (I mean what would we do with a kid that didn't have to have medicine haha!) He hates pooping he literally will wake up from a dead sleep at a mere fart, he also not a fan of being too far away from mommy- which between you and me I am okay with!

 We are so blessed with our little family, and couldn't ask for a better life!

25 weeks!

We made it! We have officially made it longer in this pregnancy than the first! It has already been one hell of a roller coaster with a few scares, and a few contractions but we made it!! To some this may not seem like a big deal but I prayed everyday to make it past 24 weeks....and it worked! Next goal is 28 weeks, then 32, then 37! So bring on the medications, the frequent doctors visits, lab work and testing as long as baby is healthy this momma will do whatever it takes to make it to term!

 23 weeks with Blake&Conor on left 

23 weeks with baby boy 3 on right (outfit being the same not planned)

24 weeks with Baby

AND WE MADE IT TO 25 WEEKS...bump!

Angel Day 2016

I will grieve for a lifetime. Its an infinite feeling that sometimes fades into the background but is forever present. On some days its merely a split second sting right in the middle of my heart, other days its not as easy to pass off. Today it was if I was walking in a straight line and then BOOM, I fell. Without warning, I did not see the hole in front of me. Today was masked as a bright sunny day in April and i was going to enjoy it... but I knew better...because I knew what today was. I continued to truck on, try my best to go about normal business. I got Blake dressed, vacuumed the living room preparing for our therapy session, and as I passed the vacuum into the straight lines across the floor, I was blown away when in the direct path that I walked there was a massive hole 6 feet deep of grief and sadness. I was completely unaware that I was about to fall into it and would have to fight to climb my way back up all day.

I woke up this morning knowing that today was our angel day, it was the last day I laid eyes on my Conor, it was the last day I got to see my sweet twin boys together in the same room. April 12th was the only day I was able to hold him, cradle him as a mother should, hum a sweet lullaby even if only for a moment. We had one moment to say goodbye, a moment to kiss his sweet little forehead, a moment to see his heart beat on the monitor fading, 140.....90.....30's....and then nothing. Then nothing...how fast things change. One minute I was a mother of two...and then the next not. 6 months pregnant with his kicks and punches being felt, a day of his sweetness consuming our hearts, and It took mere minutes for one of the loves of my lives to be swiftly taken from us. Just gone... It took mere minutes for my life to completely change. My personality would never be the same, I would never be me. I was a new version of me. I was the mother of an angel. I would forever grieve the death of my second child, a life long journey of ups and downs, wishing he was in our arms rather than only in our hearts.

There would be nothing that could fix my heart, no glue or sew to put it back together. No secret medicine I could take that would dull the pain and make me forget. There is no end to my heartbreak, there will never come a day when I wont look back and think how he would be? What would he look like? Who would my son be today? A feisty four year old, fighting with his brother, arguing over who got what toy- kissing mommy's pregnant belly, and me holding him just as I did the last day I had on this earth with him? I always thought if I could just have another child, if I could get pregnant again....maybe I would start to feel my heart mend....I was wrong. Here I am 22 weeks pregnant, with a boy nonetheless, and all I feel is pain, and heartbreak. Why couldn't I have both? Be a mother of three boys? Have a house full of wild, dirty, outdoor loving, mommy loving boys? But that will never be...I will forever be the grieving mother. Some days easier than others, and others will be hard. Today is hard, as the reality that I will miss every birthday, every holiday, every sunny play day and every rainy pajama day hits me hard....I will miss them all....these are all the days I will never get. I will grieve for a lifetime, as I will always have to hold Conor in my heart- rather than in my arms.

AND....that is unfortunately the reality.

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Just a side note:

This article seemed to hit home as it does every year around this time. Just thought I would share it too....for this is everything I would want to say but can never quite articulate correctly.

The Stone

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARGIS BOYS

This day 4 years ago was completely overwhelming, as Zach and I welcomed our two tiny baby boys into the world. I went into labor at 5pm only hours after not getting my now discontinued by the doctor Procardia. I had been able to sustain for a week without going into labor after my water broke, but due to a rising white blood cell count the medication that had been helping and keeping my boys safe had to be stopped. That evening despite the terror, and worry Zach and I were surprisingly filled with joy and pride as we allowed family to see the first few pictures we had of our miracle babies Blake and Conor. These feelings were short lived and only lasted through the 11th, as the next day would change our lives forever.....but today....I am choosing to only focus on that joy and pride. I choose to remember the love and support from friends and family, I am choosing to remember that is was  with those prayers, and support that made that day and the days to follow bearable. Today I'm going to enjoy reminiscing and remembering my first and only day I had with both Blake and Conor- I'm going to celebrate their 4th birthday..... Just celebrating with one in my arms and one forever in my heart! Happy Birthday Sweet Boys!! 

💙 Happy Birthday sweet boys!

Journey with pregnancy #2

I have put off this post for a while just because I wanted to get at least half way through our pregnancy. So we had hoped for boring, but what would life be without a tad bit of drama. With this pregnancy we had thought because there was only ONE this time, that I would get to sit back and enjoy what most get to with out the doctors visits constantly. At 9 weeks we found out pretty quickly that, that unfortunately, was not going to be the case for us. Before I go into much detail I just want to clarify I am not a genetics genius nor do I have a doctorate degree so I may be wrong in some of my details but I'm just going off of how I understood what I was told! So here goes...


We found out at week 9 I was a positive carrier for a rare antibody called antibody E (the Capitol letter is important apparently- there is such a thing as just antibody e). This is similar to the rH factor that everyone has come to know quite well but does not have an easy fix like the Rhogam shot does. So down to the basics- when Blake and Conor were born one of them carried the protein E: this was simply because Zach has the protein E in his DNA. Ready for genetics again? So then once they were born this was then passed on to me (we have been assured this was not why they were born prematurely anyone with these rare antibodies will get information that shows it is not an issue with the first pregnancy but is with all pregnancies from there on out- Now back to the lesson!) my body then detected this new protein in my blood and started developing antibodies to it as it was foreign and did not belong.

The side effect? Well the antibody can then pass to new baby and start destroying baby's red blood cells causing anemia, this can then potentially cause jaundice, need for blood transfusions, prematurity, hemolytic anemia and in worse case scenarios still birth. So.... That sucks! But let's not focus on all that could go wrong- and let's focus on the positive. Because of all this we have been seeing a high risk doctor now since week 12 and see them every two weeks in hopes of staying on top of things, they draw labs every couple weeks to a month to see what my levels are- that's a whole other teaching moment that I'm still not sure I understand- all I know is my levels continue to rise which may lead us to having to do blood transfusions to baby while I'm still pregnant....but we will cross that bridge when we get there!

So on to the other bumps and twist along the way. Starting week 12 I have had ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor cervical length (trying to monitor and prevent premature breaking of water which is what happened last time) which all so far have looked good, we also were started on progesterone intramuscular injections in hopes of preventing preterm labor, I take those weekly. Zach has even had to give them a few times- by the end of this he will be a pro at giving shots! Even though I'm sure he'd rather not be.
So far it's been just as unboring as I could have suspected- I was extremely sick from weeks 9-18 throwing up a minimum of 5-7 times a day give or take. I had to at one point get IV fluids for dehydration. Thanks baby! But on the bright side since week 18 I have been feeling great, more energy, more kicks which is my favorite, and I am actually craving AND KEEPING DOWN food now!

So we are half way there- (big sigh) in less than three weeks is when my water broke with the boys- I was 23 and 3 today I am 20 and 5. It was this same time too, just four years ago. My water broke April 4th, just a mere 4 days away. Baby boy has surely kept us on our toes already, a few scares here and there- but I look forward to reaching our first goal- surviving and making in through April 4th. So start your prayers and positive thinking because from here on its pretty scary for us- but we know that with faith and lots of hope there is a plan for us!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

ITS A.....

Surprise!

We have BIG news at the Hargis Household!

Merry Christmas!

We wanted to take the time to say Merry Christmas to all our friends and family and we hope you have a wonderful start to the new year! We know that this coming up year is going to be a doozy, lots of changes and Blake is turning 4! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! 

Turkey Day

Happy Belated Turkey Day!

Thankful & Blessed

It's been a long time since I've felt the need to write, when emotions are too high and words seem to be building up inside... today those words need to come out. I find myself as the year goes on realizing how much I find myself looking for something greater, that if I change this or move that maybe I could find that greener side of things I always search for. I rarely take the time to be thankful for the story I have been blessed with.

I work in a cardiac ICU, I see mothers, and fathers die, brother, sisters, husbands and wives. I watch as children have to tell their parents goodbye, I see parents have to tell their children goodbye- and had I not had to hold my Conor and kiss his forehead and tell him to be with God I wouldn't understand how to be the nurse they need during that time. I wouldn't know how to find that compassion, that understanding. I stand holding loved ones hands, I hug them and I cry with them- and then I come home to my perfect family. To the loves of my lives and still find myself searching....

I read daily on social media that a friend or even a complete stranger is dealing with death of a loved one, or is standing strong facing illness themselves. And here I am in my house healthy, with my son- who, yes, has cerebral palsy but is alive and actually pretty healthy comparatively... And I'm wanting more...
I am truly way more blessed than I accept on a daily basis. I live in a beautiful love story, and only in the past few days have I began to try and be as thankful as I can be for it! I once wrote in my blog for prayers, for God to grant us with the privilege of being parents to Blake, and begged for the honor of being his mom and watching him grow. I remember asking for him to bless me with acceptance and understanding if that however was not his choice for us. Then once I got my prayer answered, I forgot to be constantly truly grateful for all the wonderful things God has graced my life with. Don't get me wrong I am thankful everyday for Zach and Blakers and even my crazy dog Aussie- but I forget to actually take a breath, look around me and truly just soak in the wonderfulness that IS my life. I sometimes forget to get off my phone, or out of my head....and just embrace life.

I found the love of my life at the age of 15, he has stood by me through all the angst of growing up. From the overly enthusiastic teenage Katie, to the party goer college Katie, to the "id rather stay home, mom" Katie. As I think of our love story it is what movies are made of... Boy meets girl, girl meets boy- they date- they have trials and they overcome them to end up in marital bliss.... But ours continues after the movie ends... And our true love story only blossomed more when we brought children into our love story. That is what makes our story even stronger and more romantic than any title you can imagine in your head. Our story didn't have the typical happy new parents beginning, it had loss and fear tangled into it. But the romance in it is the way we held on to each other despite the stress, despite the loss, the anger and the depression.

I remember one day I was outside, I had wanted some fresh air, and Zach came outside to check on me....he held my hand on the bench outside the women's hospital. And as I sat there, zombie eyed, in disbelief, without words only a day after we had just lost our son, he knew we didn't need to talk, we just needed to sit there with the sun hitting our backs as we held each other's hands. It's these moments I find truly romantic.

The romance in our love story, isn't always story telling- it is filled with boring laying on the couch listening to a new music album while snuggling, it's laughing uncontrollably over some stupid 90's movie that I'm still not sure is "the best movie ever", and our romance even involves the days I lose control of my emotions and just cry into zach's shoulder as he holds me close.

The day my love story surpassed "Notebook" worthy romance was the day we brought Blakers home. The day we were blessed to have this child by our side was the day I should have stopped looking for the greener side and realized I'd reached it. I was standing in it.

I want to cherish all the times that blake will grab my face just to turn it to look straight into his eyes- just so he can show me what he is finding so funny. I want to remember the sound of his laugh when I come home from a long 12 hours shift. I want to remember the way he points to his daddy when Zach walks in the room and then just smiles ear to ear.

Yesterday was a prime example of just taking a deep breath and instead of getting frustrated just enjoying the moment. And it turned out to be one of my favorite days. Blake was a complete fuss butt yesterday, he cut his therapy session short because he would not stop throwing a tantrum- he was just not having it. And then when I took him to school at 12, it wasn't even 5 minutes after getting home that the school nurse called saying he was inconsolable. So I calmly made the decision to just go ahead and go back into to town and get him. I knew Blake wasn't sick, he wasn't hurting, and that had I just said you know I really think he should try to power through the day- he could have probably stayed and finished the school day out.... But this was what I prayed for. I prayed constantly in the NICU to be his mother, to be his rock, to be able to spend time with him...AND, so I picked him up. As soon as he saw me his tears were gone, he smiled ear to ear and we left. We came home, and Blake was not sick. And Blake was not hurting. And Blake and I had one of the best mommy and Blakers day we've had in a while. We danced, we played and we snuggled. And for that I am thankful, and my grass just keeps getting brighter green!

Sometimes you just need to take a moment and close your eyes... Cherish your love story, because you never know how green your grass is compared to someone else.




































From my family to yours remember to fall in love with the everyday love stories!

BeetleJuice BeetleJuice.....

BEETLEJUICE!!!!

Beautifully Scarred

This is my son, Blake.



At first glance he looks like a normal, happy three year old.
From a glance you would never know the trials he has been through in his short life. As the clothes are removed we can count all the times he defied all odds....

1) horizontal long stomach scar. Necrotizing Enterocolitis- removed 8cm of his small intestine at 2 weeks old- weighing only 1lb 1oz.


2) small puncture scar above stomach. Eternalizing shunt after shunt malfunction.


3) three incision scars on neck. Each scar from shunt malfunctions.


4) long old skin tear scar on right arm- due to prematurity and fragility of skin.


5) another skin tear scar left arm


6) PDA heart surgery scar- done at 2 months old.


7) central line scar on chest.


8) old ostomy scar right side stomach.


9) shunt scar on the back of his head little graphic but this was the scar right after a malfunction in May 2014-



And now... You'd never even know it was there unless you shaved all his hair off



Blake has a variety of scars scattered across his body, each have a story, and each prove this child is made of steel! These scars, all different sizes, different shapes- all caused from different obstacles Blake had to overcome- these scars are beautiful reminders of all we've lived through. These scars are my constant reminders that MIRACLES are real and not just wishes.

"Some of the most beautiful people are beautifully broken"