Our Angel Day

A year ago today was single handedly the worst day of my life. I felt the world Spiraling out of my control. I remember friends and family surrounding Zach and I but never feeling so alone in my life. I felt sadness as I had never before and felt the pain in my heart that felt as if someone was literally tearing it apart. When i wanted to cry I couldn't, when I didn't want to cry I couldn't stop. I felt a large part of me missing, a large portion of my heart gone forever. Today I feel that sting, that pain, that aching, the longing and want....I close my eyes,trying so hard to remember. Remember those moments we did have, the way he smelled, the way his nose looked like mine, his chin line his daddy's. I try to remember what it felt like to hold him, and wish I could hold him just one more time- even if only for a second. A year ago today April 12th we said goodbye to our sweet Conor, less than 24 hours after saying hello. I have no profound words of inspiration today, no lessons learned, or new feelings to share. Today I just miss my son.

I Loved You First
© Kathleen Clifton
The first time I felt you inside of me I knew,
That I loved you with all my heart,
And as you did each day, each month
My love for you only grew.

The first time I saw you, I just couldn’t wait,
To hold and kiss you, all over your face,
Daddy was there so excited and proud,
When he cut your cord, I thought he would faint.

They were there from the start your Nanna and Gram,
They just wouldn’t leave our side,
They were there to shower you with love,
Like only a grandmother can.

The waiting room was full the moment they got word
On that day that you came into our lives
And we filled them again, while we prayed for the Lord
But this time it's like no one has heard.

Now the pain that we feel inside is the worst,
but we treasure the short time that we had,
Though many have loved you in your short little life
I’m lucky cause I loved you first.

One more day...

Until Blake and Conor's First Birthday!
Party #1 is set up ready to go.
Tomorrow will be a calm day with Zach myself and Blake spending the day together! We hope the thunderstorms stop for a short period of time so we can visit Conor's grave and decorate it with the wreath I made for him for his birthday! Then later that night Zach and my parents will head to our house for dinner and of course.... CAKE!! Tomorrow is a blessing, although we wish Conor were here with us as well, it is the celebration of their birth, and a celebration of making it through the worst year of our lives. Going through old pictures tonight with Zach brought back many emotions- both good and bad- but mostly we were overcome with the feeling of amazement.... knowing for the past year we witnessed a true miracle.

Hello World

Hello World- get ready- because the Hargis' have been taken off lockdown and plan on enjoying every part of it!! We took advantage of this nice spring weather to introduce the outdoors to our little sheltered Blakers!

He thought it was so funny!!


Although it took a while for his eyes to adjust...


He got it down though.



We then introduced him to grass...


He wasn't so sure about it...





But again...he got used to it!



A hard day of play...








Made our bub very sleepy!
Good night world... Until tomorrow!

Time Flies.

We sat in the NICU last year and prayed for time to go faster, now I can hardly blink before he grows two more inches.

Time flies.

With the celebration also comes the harsh reality of facing the anniversary of Conor's death.
Those anniversaries are gonna be tough...

April 4th has come and gone, as we remembered that night a year ago. I headed to work without knowing that day would be forever be changed from the day I meet Zach 10 years ago to the day my water broke. It was the 2nd worse day of my life. The fear, the pain, the words spoken softly between my husband and I- all to hard to remember, but all to hard to forget.

April 11th, the boys were born and we plan on having a celebration. A quiet day, with family. A day celebrating the miracles we have witnessed. Celebrating the life of Blakers.

April 12th is our angel day- the anniversary of Conor's passing, the absolute worst day of Zach and my life. I do not look forward to this day, but do look forward in having a whole day remembering and honoring Conor. I know this sounds weird, but having had twins and losing Conor, sometimes "Angel Days" get lost in Blake. It is such a blessing to have Blake and to be able to watch him grow, but at times its hard to take a step back and allow ourselves to mourn appropriately for our son Conor.
So on the 12th is our Angel day, a day specifically for Conor, all about Conor, what a blessing, what a miracle. To have a day with this precious boy was more than we could ever ask- as some parents never know they child, I was able to hold mine, and make it known the love that surrounded him.

As the week comes I ask for prayers, it will be a hard week but we know we can survive it, because with faith we can do anything.


Conor James Hargis
April 11, 2012-April 12, 2012

Picture day.

Just a post of pictures...as the boys birthday approaches I'm trying to get the blog all caught up.....so ENJOY!






Our little dinosaur...raarr!!





Blake and his helmet.





Sleepy baby....





Blake's new hat...








Them baby blues will melt your heart!


Looking like a big boy...








Cuddles....


Daddy "urkel-ed" Blake...


Mommy and Blake....





Blake's st. Patty's Day!


Elvis hair...

Hoppy Easter

Last year on Easter Sunday I laid in bed watching from a hospital window as friends and family went in and out of the church that stood just hundreds of feet away. I prayed every second for my boys to be safe, I prayed for my own strength to continue to carry them for as long as I could, I prayed and thanked God every minute for the man that laid bedside me, who loved me unconditionally and held my hand and told me everything would be okay, despite his own fears.
This year is different. We have loved, we have lost. We have gained more in faith when some might have lost theirs. We thank God for everyday blessings, everyday miracles, and filling our hearts with hope, love and never ending faith. My God lives, and we rejoice in him today. Count your blessing and stay forever in faith! Happy Easter from the Hargis Family!

Jumping over Hurdles

If you follow out story you will know the difficulty Blake has with his left arm, which has hindered his progress in consistently rolling belly to back- even though he has been able to get from back to belly relatively easy. We are a proud mommy and daddy today as Blake has finally gained enough strength in both arms to roll over without any prompts or help!!