Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

June 17th, 2012

My very first father's day.  This is still sinking into my head.  Father's day.  I still can't believe that I have made it here.  I have been waiting on this day for a long time.  Fatherhood has been on my agenda for a while, and getting to experience the day was overwhelming, yet bittersweet.  I have been ready for fatherhood, but to tell you the truth, I really don't feel fatherly yet.  The thing about this hospital journey is, it kind of takes away from the father role.  Whereas most fathers get to get up everyday, and help take care of their children; in the hospital, the nurses and doctors are there.  I only get to be fatherly for only short bursts throughout the day.  So it is still sinking in that, I am indeed a father.  Despite these feelings, I would not trade it for the world.  Getting to see my little man Blake grow up in front of my very own eyes has been amazing.  Everyday I get to look into his eyes is a miracle to me.  He is everything that I could ask for.  I always thought fatherhood would be scary, but seeing him fight through what he has, nothing scares me anymore.  He gives me strength I thought I would never have.  The love that runs through me is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I will do anything for this little man.  And because of these emotions, I know that I am in fact a father.  Now I know what my father felt, and his father.  The love that a dad has for his children is remarkable, and cannot be described until you experience it.  I am thanking God everyday that I am being able to experience it.

Waking up this morning, I was surprised with a few gifts from Katie.  She got me a picture frame that said First Father's Day, as well as a watch.  The watch was engraved with both of my son's names in it.  I was overcome with emotion when I opened this.  Though I was excited for this day, I was also sad.  I was suppose to celebrate this first day with both of my boys.  I have felt like something has been missing all day.  There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do to have Conor back in this world.  To get to hold him and be a dad to him also.  You just don't know how fragile life is until you have lost someone incredibly dear to you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.  The only thing that keeps me from total sadness is knowing that I will get to see him smiling face again one day, and that he is watching over us now.  I carry a coin with me at all times.  There is a duplicate that was buried with Conor.  This is my direct link to him.  I had a long talk with him and though saddened, I know he was with me all day.  

Afterwards we walked to the hospital and Blake had made a card for me.  He had his hands and feet stamped on a card stating that he loved me and wishing me happy fathers day.  This card was also amazing because his feet have grown almost double the size since Mother's day.  It is amazing to see the growth he has done in just the short amount of time.

The footprints on the green card are from mothers day...
Bottom footprints today only one month later.

Today I was also able to share this father's day with my own father.  We went out to lunch to celebrate.  It was nice to get to spend this day with him, as being this far away any familiarity is good, but also I see him from a whole new perspective.  I see now with a new lens the ways in which he raised my brother and I.  Things make more sense now than they did when I was younger.  I have always loved my dad, but now being a dad, it makes me love and appreciate him even more.  He has been the best dad a son could ask for, and I just hope I can be half the dad he was to Blake.  

Lunch was great, but I also needed to get back to the hospital and spend some quality time with Blake also. As soon as I got back, I got Blake out of his isolette and held him as close as I could.  This is always the highlight of my day, but today was extra special.  He just kept looking at me with those big eyes, and I felt closer to him today than ever.   I could spend all day like this.  Time goes by too fast during.  I wish it would just stand still so he could stay in my arms forever, but sadly it never does, and I always have to put him back before I am ready.  This was the best first father's day I could have asked for.  

So from a first time father, I want to say Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.  Though I am new to this, I do have a little advise.  From this crazy ride we have been on, I can only tell you to cherish everyday that you have with your kids.  You never know what tomorrow brings, so enjoy them like it is your last day. It is a great honor to be able to be a dad, so be the best one you can be.  Do it with all your ability.  My dad did for me, and I am for Blake.  Happy Father's day.

Blake in his Daddy's Allstar Outfit.
 Daddy lovin on Blake.
Blake smiling BIG! 
 Happy Father's Day!
 Father and Son moments.

 Proud Daddy!!
Daddy's Little Allstar!
 Blake is tuckered out....snoozing.



  1. Happy first fathers day Zach. Both your boys know who there daddy is and they think your the worlds best!

  2. Happy fathers day!!! I love how calm & peaceful the last pic is. He is getting sooooo big....come on 4 lbs

  3. We all go through this life trying to understand things and why they happen. There are always reasons, some much harder to deal with than others. This process goes on until our days on this Earth come to an end. Conor knew you and Katie would be great parents and he'll be helping Blake and the both of you through your lives. I'm very proud to call you my son-in-law...Happy Fathers Day Zach, now you understand :)
    Love ya,

  4. Zach,
    I just now got a chance to read this. I am overwhelmed with emotion at reading your words... You have learned so much & grown so much in such a short time... You have been such a great Daddy to both Blake & Conor!!! I am inspired by your words & want to say Thank You for sharing!!! We miss you here at work, but know you are exactly where you need to be!!! not a day goes by, that we aren't sending up prayers for your little miracle & for you & Katie!
    God Bless,
    Renee Massey


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