Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Angel Day 2016

I will grieve for a lifetime. Its an infinite feeling that sometimes fades into the background but is forever present. On some days its merely a split second sting right in the middle of my heart, other days its not as easy to pass off. Today it was if I was walking in a straight line and then BOOM, I fell. Without warning, I did not see the hole in front of me. Today was masked as a bright sunny day in April and i was going to enjoy it... but I knew better...because I knew what today was. I continued to truck on, try my best to go about normal business. I got Blake dressed, vacuumed the living room preparing for our therapy session, and as I passed the vacuum into the straight lines across the floor, I was blown away when in the direct path that I walked there was a massive hole 6 feet deep of grief and sadness. I was completely unaware that I was about to fall into it and would have to fight to climb my way back up all day.

I woke up this morning knowing that today was our angel day, it was the last day I laid eyes on my Conor, it was the last day I got to see my sweet twin boys together in the same room. April 12th was the only day I was able to hold him, cradle him as a mother should, hum a sweet lullaby even if only for a moment. We had one moment to say goodbye, a moment to kiss his sweet little forehead, a moment to see his heart beat on the monitor fading, 140.....90.....30's....and then nothing. Then nothing...how fast things change. One minute I was a mother of two...and then the next not. 6 months pregnant with his kicks and punches being felt, a day of his sweetness consuming our hearts, and It took mere minutes for one of the loves of my lives to be swiftly taken from us. Just gone... It took mere minutes for my life to completely change. My personality would never be the same, I would never be me. I was a new version of me. I was the mother of an angel. I would forever grieve the death of my second child, a life long journey of ups and downs, wishing he was in our arms rather than only in our hearts.

There would be nothing that could fix my heart, no glue or sew to put it back together. No secret medicine I could take that would dull the pain and make me forget. There is no end to my heartbreak, there will never come a day when I wont look back and think how he would be? What would he look like? Who would my son be today? A feisty four year old, fighting with his brother, arguing over who got what toy- kissing mommy's pregnant belly, and me holding him just as I did the last day I had on this earth with him? I always thought if I could just have another child, if I could get pregnant again....maybe I would start to feel my heart mend....I was wrong. Here I am 22 weeks pregnant, with a boy nonetheless, and all I feel is pain, and heartbreak. Why couldn't I have both? Be a mother of three boys? Have a house full of wild, dirty, outdoor loving, mommy loving boys? But that will never be...I will forever be the grieving mother. Some days easier than others, and others will be hard. Today is hard, as the reality that I will miss every birthday, every holiday, every sunny play day and every rainy pajama day hits me hard....I will miss them all....these are all the days I will never get. I will grieve for a lifetime, as I will always have to hold Conor in my heart- rather than in my arms.
AND....that is unfortunately the reality.


Just a side note:

This article seemed to hit home as it does every year around this time. Just thought I would share it too....for this is everything I would want to say but can never quite articulate correctly.

Monday, April 11, 2016


This day 4 years ago was completely overwhelming, as Zach and I welcomed our two tiny baby boys into the world. I went into labor at 5pm only hours after not getting my now discontinued by the doctor Procardia. I had been able to sustain for a week without going into labor after my water broke, but due to a rising white blood cell count the medication that had been helping and keeping my boys safe had to be stopped. That evening despite the terror, and worry Zach and I were surprisingly filled with joy and pride as we allowed family to see the first few pictures we had of our miracle babies Blake and Conor. These feelings were short lived and only lasted through the 11th, as the next day would change our lives forever.....but today....I am choosing to only focus on that joy and pride. I choose to remember the love and support from friends and family, I am choosing to remember that is was  with those prayers, and support that made that day and the days to follow bearable. Today I'm going to enjoy reminiscing and remembering my first and only day I had with both Blake and Conor- I'm going to celebrate their 4th birthday..... Just celebrating with one in my arms and one forever in my heart! Happy Birthday Sweet Boys!! 

💙 Happy Birthday sweet boys!
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