Monday, July 29, 2013

I'm ONE....again.

Love. It's a short word. Only four letters.
Love has so many meanings.
For instance
I love macaroni and cheese.
I love the color blue.
I love summertime, the warm air, the sunny days, the smell of fresh flowers.
I love my family.
I love my friends.

But all those things pale in comparison to the love I feel for my husband and sons.
Love, those four letters, they become such a BIG word when in regards to them. That small word becomes so powerful, becomes so meaningful that all other words fail when trying to describe what it means. The joy I feel with every smile, every obstacle overcome, every hug, every kiss, every day with them is pure, insurmountable joy, warmth, happiness.... love.

A year ago, today, is the day I was suppose to give birth to my twin boys, Blake and Conor. But for all who follow our story know it didn't quite go as planned. This time last year, instead of welcoming into the world the two most perfect babies, my husband and I spent it in the NICU with our son Blake, and had only memories of our son Conor as he had already gained his angel wings. Blake was 3 and 1/2 months old, and Conor had been gone for 3 and 1/2 months. We were living four hours away, away from our normal, our family, our friends...away from our home.
Last year this day was so hard for me. It only brought sadness, and feelings of failure. It's hard to explain to others, but as a mother your responsibility is to protect your children. I felt as if I had failed. I failed to hold on. Failed to keep my precious boys in , I failed to carry our boys to term, or at least far enough along that they had a better chance at survival. I felt it was my fault. That it was either that I hadn't drank enough water, or I shouldn't have stayed on my feet so much, or I should have called into work that night... I should have done this, I could have done that. Last year when we celebrated Blake making it as far as he had, to his 'adjusted' first birthday I felt sad. I felt responsible. Sad that we couldn't celebrate both of them making it to that crucial day. Sad that I couldn't have made my body hold on. Sad that I had no control over my own body. Sad that I could have done more.

This year, this day is a happy day. It's a day that I can say we survived. I wish that life had been different. I wish that I could have had that picture perfect, movie-like birth with congratulation balloons, and flowers, smiles and people fighting over who gets to hold each baby. Friends and family gathered around, laughing and telling stories. Instead it was grievance flowers, and tears. Family and friends gathered around sitting silently and holding my hand telling me it would be okay and that I would survive it. But, looking back it is our story. I feel blessed for the friends and family that came, that they love me and Zach enough, to hurt and mourn along side us. I feel blessed looking back at how my husband and my love grew stronger through our heartbreak. I feel blessed to have my son Blake by my side, growing, thriving and most of all I feel blessed (although I wish he was with us) to have our angel consistently reminding me to love stronger, live better and to never take one second of life for granted.

Today is my sons' adjusted first birthday. And look at how far we have come!
Blake is now 15 months old.
Weight: 19 pounds.....still not on the charts.
Length: 30 inches...7th percentile- WOOHOO!!!

Blake's eats....ALOT! Hints the listing of eating....twice! He still is on baby food that I make and eats three meals a day. His favorite is always breakfast oatmeal with some type of fruit. Blueberries, bananas, strawberries, watermelon or plums seem to do the trick! Then he always has loved sweet potatoes, apples and cinnamon! He snacks in between, we are working on table foods currently he loves puffs and mum-mums but has been trying new things like broccoli, grilled cheese, veggies, and fruits cut into pieces.

Blake's loves his lion Leo, and sleeps with Him and his blankie every night.

Blake still has not ventured to say momma- even though I think he could, he insist on sticking with only saying dada and a few other non-describable words...baba, ahhhh, gagggagaga You get the picture!

Blake is such a happy child. He is always smiling, and don't think it's coincidental he knows when his picture is being taken and makes sure he cheeses real big! He is very playful, and loves to get about by rolling around. He can stand with assistance and can army crawl when prompted and prevented from rolling. Blake is calm and is truly the best child a girl could ask for!

The lion goes ROAR.

Lions, tigers, and bears but giraffes "oh my!" Blake and I went to the zoo this weekend! For the FIRST time! And Blake loved every minute...right until we walked out the exit...then he passed out from so much fun!

Hanging out in a cave beside the otters.

Trying out some watermelon! Yum..Nom Nom Nom!

So happy and giggly. Thought the animals were so cool!

And as soon as we walked out the exit..BOOM....the child was knocked!

Friday, July 19, 2013

A New Friend

World meet Leo the Lion. We adopted him while at Riley, and up until now Blake has never really paid to much attention to him. I don't know what changed, and I don't exactly know when it happened but it seems Blake and Leo have built quite a friendship these days....

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

What's that feeling?

Blake is having to learn to get used to the feeling of having a tooth. For now it has caused quite an obsession with his tongue and feeling his tooth. Zach captured this on video. Be prepared for two minutes of cuteness!

YouTube Video

A Mother's Wish

A Mother's Wishes.
By: Katie Hargis
I want you to embrace life,
My sweet little boy.
Play make believe,
Pick out your favorite toy.

Climb up the trees,
And run like the wind.
Build spaceships, and choo-choos
And Make lots of friends.

Play in the mud,
And roll in the grass.
Find all the bugs,
Catch your first bass.

Play Cowboys and Indians,
And be a robot.
Jump up and down,
Hide in a good spot.

Play pitch and catch,
Shoot a basketball.
Dust off your knees,
When you tumble and fall.

I wish for you greatness,
I wish for you joy.
I wish that you'll always,
Be my baby boy.

They worried you wouldn't make it,
Not able to climb, or walk.
No jumping, or skipping,
Maybe not even be able to talk.

This was the hand we were dealt,
And what will be will be.
I'm so glad we held on,
Gods plan for us to see.

I watch as you grow,
You smile and coo.
From rolling, to talking
We are amazed at everything you do.

From yelling out "dada"
And attempting to crawl.
To laughing, and playing
And bouncing a ball.

Every sound, every movement,
All the things you can do.
The very sight of your eyes
Proves miracles are true.

It's a love I didn't know I could feel,
A warmth I never knew.
A lifetime of happiness and love
Are my motherly Wishes for you.

Fireworks and the lake.

Independence Day, Fourth of July, whatever you want to call by far my FAVORITE holiday. I love the gathering of family, the fireworks, swimming, grilling...ahhh just all of it. I love everything that comes with the 4th! Last year I spent it on the top of a parking garage, my son the NICU, and family four hours away at home. This year it was gonna be different! And it was! We actually watched fireworks with our son in our arms, over a river not a rooftop (which is what I'm accustomed too!). We also headed down to the lake on Friday to spend the weekend with family, grilling and swimming...just as it is suppose to be!

Fireworks on the river front in Henderson, KY.

Day two on the lake!


Monday, July 1, 2013

Catching up with friends

This past month we were busy busy busy. Blake had many first. First time at the lake, first tooth, first music festival, first baseball game and his very first visit with friends out of town. We traveled to Murray Ky for a weekend so that we could have some much needed friend time! The mommas got their alone time Saturday morning with a pedicure, and the daddies got to go golfing later in the day....and while we caught up the boys played! I think it was good for us, but especially good for Blake as well to be around another baby! And he definitely enjoyed his playtime with his best bud Cohen!

This was Blake anxiously waiting to get to Murray for his first over night visit with Cohen!

I'm not sure Cohen knew what to think about Blake playing with his toys at first.

But soon they were laughing and playing...even past their bedtimes!!!

They even had a heart to heart about sleeping through the night--or at least thats what Lindsey and I think!

Saturday started off a little lazily due to rain...but that didn't stop Mr. Cohen from having a good time!

Then once we got done with our pedicures the rain just wouldn't slow!! So off to lunch we went!

Once the rain stopped the daddies went to play golf and we decided to do a little outdoor play of our own!

We even decided to go on a little stroll around the neighborhood..

Cohen wanted Blake a little closer for the picture!

Blake didn't make it long through the walk.
Later that night the boys found floor playtime so much fun!

The weekend was so fun, and so interesting to watch the boys interact! We definitely found it bittersweet leaving!

But I think Blake definitely has a life long best friend!!!

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