Saturday, April 27, 2013

March For Babies 5k

For our first year I feel very proud of our team TeamHargis! We raised a grand total of $1025.00 fundraising for the March of Dimes, and even with the rain had 15 walkers supporting our team! Thanks to the walkers and the people who couldn't make it this year but donated! Our family can't tell you thank you enough!

In loving memory of Conor James Hargis born April 11th gained his angel wings April 12th, 2012.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

We remember.

A bereavement card received on the date of Conor's passing read....
"We remember." It was a card stock, one of those that they send to everyone in your situation. The one without personalization. Just a postcard with a stamped signature. 
Such a kind gesture, such a kind card. I should feel blessed that even a huge business would send cards to every single parent who lost a child. 
I should feel thankful, I did.....but at the same time, I felt....
I felt....mad! 
We remember? Really? I'm so glad you remember....I do too! As if I could forget! As if I had the option to forget that moment. That moment. when the world stopped, my heart began to crack, and part of me disappeared forever. I remember...I remember that moment when everyone avoided eye contact. They knew what they were about to witness, I searching longingly, hoping someone would look at me and tell me it was going to be okay, that they could fix him.
 But instead...nothing. 
Low laying eyes surrounded us, and when I did catch a glimpse of anyone near I saw that look of sadness, the look of pity. It's as if I could close my eyes and be back in that moment. Time slowed, people whizzing by me, adjusting this infusion, increasing that, alarms going off, and then the doctor looking at me telling me we had little time. 
"Do you want to hold him?"
Time came back, and finally someone looked me in the eyes. The doctor grabbed my shoulders with both hands and looked at me...
"It won't be long. Do you want to hold him?" 
I could paint you a picture. I remember it so vividly...even though at times I wish I could just forget the bad and only remember his face, his hands, his tiny feet. Instead I remember that moment more vividly than the rest. I was sure day to day life would get easier. The life of being a grieving mother would slowly fade, and the loss would become easier to tolerate.
It doesn't get easier. It's been a year. The pain doesn't disappear. It's only, that as time passes you become accustomed to living with that pain. It becomes your normal. You can only seek peace in it. Accept it. Find a way to get through the waves of sadness that strike you without warning, without reason. I find my peace in the knowledge that he served a bigger purpose. That Conor was meant for something bigger than me, as much as I needed him, The Lord needed him more. 
It is in this that I find peace, that I find comfort.
 Never to forget, always in my mind. 
I am a grieving mother, my son is an angel.

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.-John 14:27

Monday, April 22, 2013

Story Time

"The GREAT Poop Situation of 2013."

A few weeks ago, Blake and I went to run errands in town. We had already had a few mishaps already for the day. We drove to our CPA's office to turn in a tax form- forgot it at home on the counter! Also had planned to cash all the checks for the T-shirts for march of dimes so I could pay for them and forgot all the checks. Major failure since that was the whole reason we had drove 15 minutes into town! So I'd already labeled this day as "just one of those days". On a positive note, I had Blake dressed in a cute pair of plaid shorts and a polo and he was looking mighty fly that day. it was definitely going to be a photo shoot kind of day once we got home! But first we went quickly into Kmart to grab two things! After picking up the "C" letter for Conor's wreath I was making and some fishing wire for some decorations for the big birthday party I had some time so we decided to look around. As I am talking to my mother in law on the phone Blake all of a sudden starts screaming...I hang up on Zach's mom very confused because Blake does not scream.....then I smelt it. "Really Blake you had to!?!" Of course I did not bring in the diaper bag because I figured we could survive 5 minutes without it. WRONG! it was then when I followed the smell, I look down at my arm, my cardigan was covered in poop. Before you continue to read the story just know as a mom sometimes you do things that are kinda gross but can save a situation.... So, to continue! I quickly decide to take my cardigan off, it was a little worn and old anyway so.....I wipe thr visible poop on his back and leg with my shirt and head to the front to check out as quickly as I can. Listen I know your thinking "you still checked out?!" But listen its a long drive into town and I didn't want to come back! So as I'm checking out I try to avoid eye contact with the clerk because if I can smell it I know she can. We then proceed to the car, I am the mom jogging with her son, holding him with my arms stretched as far from my body as possible, mumbling to myself "i cant believe you pooped everywhere...really you had to poop now....etc etc etc" I felt like i looked like a bad cracked out mother all the way through the parking lot- people where definitely looking at me. I proceed to open the car door only to hit his head on roof of the car (great mommy, what else could go wrong!?) he stops crying I take off a diaper, that I swear is bio hazardous, and he then decides to pee on me, pee on the car, and pee directly in his eyes. I am laughing- maybe crying- probably both when I then look down and he is now POOPING all over the car.... I took off his clothes- threw his outfit and my cardigan away, placed him in the car seat DIAPER ONLY and we went home! The day was over after that, I laughed the whole way home....Blake on the other hand fell quickly to sleep as soon as he was strapped in the car seat.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Blake's Birthday.

We celebrated Blake's first birthday this past week with two parties. We had a sports themed one on his actual birthday Thursday April 11th and a Super Hero themed birthday party on Saturday April 13th, for all of our friends and family to come. Both parties were so great and meant a lot to Zach and I. Here are some pictures of both parties. Thanks to everyone who came and helped celebrate our little miracle!
The first party----

The second party---

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