August 31, 2012After a week home, today we had to do something a parent should never have to do. Its time, time for our little Conor to be honored with a headstone. A grave marker to commemorate our precious little angel....but what type? I was not prepared for the decisions we were expected to make- what color, what size, what cut, what do you want it to say.....what do you want?
"What do I want?"
I want my baby, I want to not have to make this decision, I want.....
I want things I simply can not have.
We have been doing well since home, we were warned that once we got home it might strike us a little harder that Conor is truly gone...but to be honest I have felt the pain and grief of knowing Conor was never coming home with us, since we left Deaconess back months ago. I have felt the slow and heartbreaking truth that my baby will never again be held in our arms, we will never be able to kiss him, rock him to sleep, I have felt it...all along since day one. I think the hardest is not knowing...not knowing the famous question....WHY? But we try to not focus on why, but instead focus on his life, and remember he is always in our hearts, always alive in spirit. Every time our wind chimes sing, our weeping willow sways, every time the sun sets, and every time a tear falls down my cheek, I feel him. I feel the love for my little angel. He is alive in Zach, he is alive in Blake, he is alive in my heart. Forever and always. Death is something no one wishes to bring up, no one wants to remind someone of the loss they have endured. But the thing is, bringing up Conor doesn't remind me that he passed away, I never forget that he passed away...but do you know what bringing up Conor does remind me? It reminds me that other people remember him too, that it wasn't just Blake. That other people LOVED him too.
So today Zach and I face a hard decision, face something that no parent should ever have to do...today we choose the monument that sits where our son lays.
CONOR JAMES HARGIS. Beloved son, grandson and twin brother.
Blake has had a multitude of appointments in the short time we have been home. This week we had two very important appointments. One with the Ophthalmologist to see the progress of his eyes post laser surgery, and an Audiologist. Blake had to see the Audiologist due to him failing his hearing screen in his left ear twice at Riley. Failing a hearing screen does not mean he is deaf, however, the probability that he could be deaf or having hearing loss was always high. The plus to this hearing screen was that he passed his right ear twice, so we knew he could hear atleast out of one ear. So our week started out...first up- EYES. Blake met with Dr. Englert in Evansville for a follow up exam- and good news Blake'e eye sight looks perfectly normal and his test for near sightedness was negative! We will have a follow up exam in 3 months, but for now all looks well and we will take it!! Second up- EARS. This test was a little more stressful than the eyes. We were instructed to keep Blake awake before the test so that he would sleep soundly throughout the hearing test which takes approximately 2 hours. So Blake and I woke up at 5:30 that morning, and at first we played, and sang, and danced. Blake did really well, and it wasn't until we were in his car seat that all hell broke lose. It was then 8:30 and my lil' man was T-I-R-E-D!! Poor baby was so fussy, and was not fond of mommy and daddy poking and constantly waking him up on the drive to the doctors. But all the hard work paid off. After a bottle, Blake passed out, and snoozed soundly the whole test! Expecting a in depth conversation about the options we had for Blake regarding his left ear hearing loss, we were instead shocked with the sentence "I couldn't believe it myself- After all Blake has been through you would expect some mild if not severe hearing loss....BUT....Blake has 100% hearing in both his RIGHT and LEFT ear!! I would give him an A- and the minus only because he has some mild fluid congestion behind his left ear!" It was wonderful news! Zach and I couldn't wait to call our parents! I immediately started crying to the girl explaining this is the FIRST victory we had had for a long time!! One part of Blake's body that works, and works well!! A truly answered prayer!! Our son- the fighter, the miracle baby!
As hard as it is sometimes to only get to hold one of our twins...We know we were blessed with twins, blessed with each of them for a reason. We cherish every day with Blake, and count our blessings for having time with Conor. Our boys were born together to grow apart....One in our hands, and One in our hearts!
Trying out our swing seat.
I dont know why but here are a few sad face pics...
I just love them!
I just love them!
Don't believe it...
I finally caught his pretend sad face on camera!!
Blake hamming it up... ERMAHGERD!!
Blake "MY lil' Monkey" and his "My little Monkey"
" Its too loud in here momma!"
Aussie and Blake
Sound asleep on the front porch with mommy
Always the paranoid look
Daddy playing the Mandolin for Blake
Aussie always making sure everythings okay.
Sleeping on his Boppy
Being a ham!