Thursday, November 29, 2012

Christmas Spirit.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in the Hargis Household. Blake has a fascination with lights so you can only begin to imagine the joy you see is his eyes the second the tree lights were turned on. So rather than imagine, here are some precious pictures capturing these amazing moments.

Sunday, November 25, 2012


I recently received a message from a mother asking me how I keep my faith? How do I hold on and not lose all hope? 
How do you live through the heart break? 
How do you stay strong? 

My reply was simply this....

On faith: 
Sometimes my faith is shaky. Sometimes I get so mad, to the point of wanting to break out in a full on scream asking why? What did I do in life that I am being punished for now? Why would God put us through this?

On Hope:
Sometimes I feel hopeless. I worry about Blake's future, about any children Zach and I have later in life...
Will this happen again? Could I live through this pain again?

On Heart Break: 
Sometimes my heart hurts so badly that I struggle for a breath. The pain is not like the heart break I felt before from loss. Its not like the loss I felt with an older family member an aunt, cousin, a grandparent. Its just not the same. Its backward. Its unnatural. A parent should never endure the pain of losing a child. Parents shouldn't have to plan their son or daughters funeral, or sit at their graveside when they feel they need to spend time with them. A parent should never feel that kind of pain. Instead they should be holding them in their nursery, kissing their chubby cheeks, and watching them grow everyday. Conor was part Zach, and part myself. When he passed, it was like a part of me died with him. Like when he passed... that small part of my heart that was his, left too. That piece of my heart will never go to anyone else. It will never fully stop hurting. There will always be a hole there. That piece of my belongs to him, and only to him. It is our bond, our connection. 

On Strength:
How do I stay strong?
This one is the simplest question. 
I don't! 
I lose it on a daily basis. I hear a song lyric, see someone with twins, look at Blake, or sometimes even just wake up and there it is....BOOM...waterfall of tears, and emotion. I allow myself to cry, I allow myself to miss him. I have learned I don't have to be strong all the time. I have learned this is not my burden to live with and struggle with alone. I have learned that when I feel like I'm losing my grip, and this is too much to handle....I don't have to carry this on my own. 
I can call upon Him...and that is where my faith comes back into the story.
When I can't handle it on my own, when I feel like I am hitting rock bottom I know I can rely on Him to carry me through the rough patch. 

To give me hope when all I know is despair. 
To bring me joy when all I feel is grief. 
To bring me peace when all I feel is chaos. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Blake is mesmerized by Grandpa's Christmas Train.
 Couldn't take his eyes off of it. 

 watching the train go round and round.

Thanksgiving 2012.

Belly Stuffer

Thanksgiving always brings a terrible chore,
'Cause I'm forced to eat and eat some more.
If I don't eat it up right down to dessert,
I fear the cook's feelings will be hurt,
So I do my part, even though I suffer;
To help out the others, I'm a belly stuffer.
- Anonymous

Thanksgiving dinner at Grandmo's and Grandpa Mark's.

Thanksgiving with Grandma Pam and Grandpa Mike.

Happy Thanksgiving and Remember to count your blessings! 
We definitely are thankful for our biggest blessing this year!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

THE BIG 100.

November 21, 2012.

I can not believe its my 100th blog post. 
When I started blog it was strictly as a way of updating friends and family while we were in Indianapolis at Riley. Truthfully, it was for a pretty selfish reason... it was so I wouldn't have to have any human contact with anyone for a really long time. No phone calls, no facebook updates, no texting, no nothing. Just quiet. All I had to do was write a sentence or two every other day or so, and VOILA...the Blog came to be. 
Little did I know it would turn into the very way I expressed my greatest fears, hopes, faith, and struggles. 

It became therapeutic for me. 
It became a baby book for Blake. 
It became a memorial for Conor. 

So to celebrate my 100th blog post I have chosen to present you with....
My top 10 favorite pictures, and a quote from the blog post it came from!
(each Blog title is a link to that post if you wanna see more pictures!)

We learned to cherish and appreciate what we have and celebrate the little things. 
We learned that as "only a broken heart can ever hold true love in its fullness."
We learned that we are much stronger than we ever gave ourselves credit, and 
We learned that there is life on the other side of heartbreak.

That now the bumps in the road that we have aren't nearly the mountains we at first had to cross but more like the speed bumps you cross over in a parking lot.

"Every good and perfect gift come from above, 
we are blessed with twins to cherish and love. 
Born together to grow apart, 
one in our hands, and one in our hearts."

I don't even want to give a quote here....I just love this picture...ALWAYS good for a laugh!!

This might be one of my absolute FAVORITE PICTURE!!!
we should enjoy life and focus on the positive. Although life can sometimes be exhausting we must rise up, and be positive and cherish every day we have!

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. 
It was with this I looked into my beautiful baby's incubator, and he opened his eyes and stretched out his super long Hargis arms, and hands and yawned. Looking right at me, with those BIG BEAUTIFUL eyes I knew. He is a fighter, stronger than you and me put together. He will prosper, he will grow and I have HOPE he has a future. A very bright future. 
Sadly for the man and wife, the angels sang and danced with the prince Conor, they sent a promise to the man and wife that they would see him again. So on that warm bright April day, after hugs and kisses from his mommy and daddy,the angels explained that little Conor was needed somewhere else. So he danced away in the golden streets of heaven, and promised to guard and protect his LITTLE big brother for his whole life.

It was such a special moment to be a part of. To see my two men together was an overwhelming feeling. I can promise everyone that the love I see in Zach's eyes everytime he looks at Blake is the most magical thing I have ever seen! 

I GET TO HOLD MY SON! I was so overcome with emotions the most of all feelings LOVE!

and my absolute favorite blog out of 100.....
After 139 days in the hospital, many tears, and headaches, we 
are heading home! And another BIG surprise we are coming home without oxygen, monitors, or a feeding tube!! Just baby Blake!! Big ol' 132 day old Blake!! 
We couldn't be more excited to start this new chapter of our lives, outside of the hospital! 

Monday, November 19, 2012

99 problems.

We are nearing our 100th blog post...but today we celebrate 99. 
So for our 99th blog post...I present you with....
"We have 99 problems, and his TEETH are one."

Lets start with the signs...

1. Blake is drooling ALL over himself and anyone that's holding him. 

My couch after blake had attempted for several minutes to eat it....drool much?

2. Blake is sucking on, biting, and gnawing on anyone and anything that comes close enough.

 Blake attacking his toys...he cant get them in his mouth quick enough.

3. Blake is crying....ALOT! Blake is usually a VERY happy baby, so when he cries it breaks our hearts. 

4. Blake is waking up randomly through out the night (Of course right after he starts sleeping through the this!) he only cries for a bit, and then goes back to sleep.

5. Also fasting (not eating) is a sign too....BUT Blake doesn't have that problem...he loves food! Plus we don't waste food in this house. 

So what do these signs point too?

No teeth have popped through and from what our pediatrician says it could be a while before they do (usually preemies don't start actually getting teeth until closer to a year- but the pain can start as early as 2-3 months before) hopefully we can control these bad days with tylenol, teething rings, and some extra snuggle time. Cause this mommy's heart breaks when my lil' man is upset.

So I have negelected updating the blog with all of Blake's therapies and doctors appointments. First, Blake met with his eye doctor a few weeks ago. All looked well, and she said we are out of the stage that his ROP would regress, so the Laser Surgery from when he was in the NICU did what it was suppose to and there shouldn't be an issue with his eyes in that regard. However, it is still likely that with age and growth Blake will most likely need glasses, and he is showing a slight astigmatism like his daddy. But right now there is no need for anything to be done and he wont be rechecked until June of next year- when he is OVER a year old!! (OH LORD- a year old...I'm gonna have a heart attack just thinking about it.)

Blake also had some labs drawn a few weeks ago with a CBC- which everything was normal. And he had a repeat Newborn screen- which was normal as well. Blake also has had his first Synergist shot for the RSV season--unfortunately he will be getting one every month until May, which is good for him but hard on us since we hate when he gets shots. You would think after being in the NICU for so long we would get used to him being poked and prodded on, but it really is harder than we expected. However, if it gets him through the holidays without catching a cold, or getting RSV and ending up in the hospital, we will suffer through it! So for those of you friends and family, if we don't come over, or go out please don't take offense to it. It is really important this winter season (including the holidays) for us to keep Blake out of big crowds, from school aged kids, and germs in general. We don't like it either, we get cabin fever, but our sons health is the most important.

Blake is doing well with therapy, every week is different than the week before. And its always interesting to see how far he has come, and just to imagine where he will be in another month, let alone another year. He really does well with Mimi (PT) and Heather (OT) for the most part, but sometimes he fights the whole time and shows his stubbornness (which I will not deny that he might have got from me).  As he gets older the therapy gets harder, and he surely lets you know that he is not fond of it too. But we can tell how much stronger he is getting, and when he is relaxed and thinks its play he does SO well, so really its all about tricking him into thinking its not work!!
Mommy and Blake on the exercise ball. 
 Working on neck muscles.
 Working with hip stretches, and grasping objects.
If you can see him hold the links this works on fine motor skills. 

All in all our life is pretty much a set schedule, between doctors appointments, therapies, exercise and stetching...and although we are super busy and sometimes just plum tired, this has become our normal and we wouldn't change it for the world. 
Our next adventure?
Zach and I are planning our first outing without Blake since we came home on August 21st...
whew...I don't even like thinking about it, but it will be much needed. I'll keep you posted on how that goes next weekend. Until then...PICTURES!

 My boys all hanging out.
 Blake meeting Mario- the stuffed Mario is still BIGGER than him.
 Daddy and Blake sitting and playing Super Mario.

Blake petting Aussie. 
Aussie couldn't decide if he liked it or not. We are still waiting on the verdict. 
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