Sunday, November 25, 2012


I recently received a message from a mother asking me how I keep my faith? How do I hold on and not lose all hope? 
How do you live through the heart break? 
How do you stay strong? 

My reply was simply this....

On faith: 
Sometimes my faith is shaky. Sometimes I get so mad, to the point of wanting to break out in a full on scream asking why? What did I do in life that I am being punished for now? Why would God put us through this?

On Hope:
Sometimes I feel hopeless. I worry about Blake's future, about any children Zach and I have later in life...
Will this happen again? Could I live through this pain again?

On Heart Break: 
Sometimes my heart hurts so badly that I struggle for a breath. The pain is not like the heart break I felt before from loss. Its not like the loss I felt with an older family member an aunt, cousin, a grandparent. Its just not the same. Its backward. Its unnatural. A parent should never endure the pain of losing a child. Parents shouldn't have to plan their son or daughters funeral, or sit at their graveside when they feel they need to spend time with them. A parent should never feel that kind of pain. Instead they should be holding them in their nursery, kissing their chubby cheeks, and watching them grow everyday. Conor was part Zach, and part myself. When he passed, it was like a part of me died with him. Like when he passed... that small part of my heart that was his, left too. That piece of my heart will never go to anyone else. It will never fully stop hurting. There will always be a hole there. That piece of my belongs to him, and only to him. It is our bond, our connection. 

On Strength:
How do I stay strong?
This one is the simplest question. 
I don't! 
I lose it on a daily basis. I hear a song lyric, see someone with twins, look at Blake, or sometimes even just wake up and there it is....BOOM...waterfall of tears, and emotion. I allow myself to cry, I allow myself to miss him. I have learned I don't have to be strong all the time. I have learned this is not my burden to live with and struggle with alone. I have learned that when I feel like I'm losing my grip, and this is too much to handle....I don't have to carry this on my own. 
I can call upon Him...and that is where my faith comes back into the story.
When I can't handle it on my own, when I feel like I am hitting rock bottom I know I can rely on Him to carry me through the rough patch. 

To give me hope when all I know is despair. 
To bring me joy when all I feel is grief. 
To bring me peace when all I feel is chaos. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Blake is mesmerized by Grandpa's Christmas Train.
 Couldn't take his eyes off of it. 

 watching the train go round and round.


  1. I am always amazed with your thoughts and insight. You are a wise and beautiful woman and I am very proud to call you daughter. I love you baby girl. XOXO

  2. Your faith teaches and encourages me everyday...I know your loss was not in vain. As for that video...that is the cutest bobble head I have ever seen! For those eyes that have been thru so much...they seem pretty sharp to me. (((HUGS)))


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