130 days old...it was 137 days ago my water broke. How much time has past, how many lives have changed since that day the boys were born.
April 11th, at 8am i wrote in my pregnancy journal....
" it's been a week. Today Dr. Fitzpatrick took me off the procardia due to the fact my WBC's are up. He is concerned. Which in turn makes me concerned. Not for the safety of myself, but rather the safety of you both. I need you both to be okay. I have never met you and yet you have completely stole my heart, and have become my life. The two most important people. I'm scared. I'm scared today."
I read this and am overwhelmed. The twisting, nauseating knots in my stomach have become a too familiar visitor to my body. As we get healthier I find myself reflecting.
Looking back into my pregnancy journal was interesting too.
To remember the food cravings... McDonald's cheeseburgers, frozen raspberries, hashbrowns, and ketchup!
To the foods that..well for lack of a better way to say it...did not stay down.... Caesar salad, chicken fingers, potato soup and ahhh pizza! (how I could not eat these things I don't know!!) I find entries with name ideas (we of course chose the best!) and then reading my true gut feeling I had when we found out there were two of you!
"on thursday we found out that you are not a you at all- you are a "we"! There are TWO of you...two, as in twins, as in not one but TWO!!....flooded with fears I won't lie. This is alot, I shook my head, laughed, cried, panicked, felt over joyed, full of fear and love...whew I'm in shock!"
"I've started to feel you in my belly just over the past two days. It's an odd feeling- not definite movement but a feeling that there is something or I guess actually Two someone's in there fluttering. Fluttering around like butterflies!"
I find myself at times still saying the plurals- they, them, both, etc. it immediately registers that we are no longer a plural. We now have one "twin", seems wrong to say. But our one "twin" is fighting so hard! And Blake definitely is a twin...and although Conor is gone, I know it has to be them both fighting. It brings comfort to know that Blake's whole life he will have a back-up, a special someone to hold him steady when he stumbles, to pick him up when he falls, and to help him fight when he needs the extra strength to pull through.
This has been a long journey from finding out we were having twins, to losing Conor, Blake's 9 surgeries and lots of tears. Hopefully this is the hardest thing Zach and I will ever experience. I read through the journal today to reflect. To remember where we started from. My pregnancy was so swiftly taken from us it's sometimes hard to remember how fun it was. The first kicks, the talks of baby names, and the worries and joy we felt!
And now as we get closer to the end of this journey I can see how we have survived it! Blake is thriving, Zach and I are still as in love as ever! And possibly even closer than we were before! (even after spending everyday for the past 4 months together!)
As I closed my journal, and stared at the front cover, I read the front page...
"Live in Hope"
How fitting! How fitting a phrase for our journey. God knew, he knew this was our path before it happened, and he set this reminder for us on my journal.. All before it happened.
Just remember, to live in hope! I like it! We are living in hope, in hope for a brighter future, in hopes of lots of years of love, hopes of laughter and fun, and hopes of taking our little man home to stay!!