Friday, April 12, 2013

Our Angel Day

A year ago today was single handedly the worst day of my life. I felt the world Spiraling out of my control. I remember friends and family surrounding Zach and I but never feeling so alone in my life. I felt sadness as I had never before and felt the pain in my heart that felt as if someone was literally tearing it apart. When i wanted to cry I couldn't, when I didn't want to cry I couldn't stop. I felt a large part of me missing, a large portion of my heart gone forever. Today I feel that sting, that pain, that aching, the longing and want....I close my eyes,trying so hard to remember. Remember those moments we did have, the way he smelled, the way his nose looked like mine, his chin line his daddy's. I try to remember what it felt like to hold him, and wish I could hold him just one more time- even if only for a second. A year ago today April 12th we said goodbye to our sweet Conor, less than 24 hours after saying hello. I have no profound words of inspiration today, no lessons learned, or new feelings to share. Today I just miss my son.

I Loved You First
© Kathleen Clifton
The first time I felt you inside of me I knew,
That I loved you with all my heart,
And as you did each day, each month
My love for you only grew.

The first time I saw you, I just couldn’t wait,
To hold and kiss you, all over your face,
Daddy was there so excited and proud,
When he cut your cord, I thought he would faint.

They were there from the start your Nanna and Gram,
They just wouldn’t leave our side,
They were there to shower you with love,
Like only a grandmother can.

The waiting room was full the moment they got word
On that day that you came into our lives
And we filled them again, while we prayed for the Lord
But this time it's like no one has heard.

Now the pain that we feel inside is the worst,
but we treasure the short time that we had,
Though many have loved you in your short little life
I’m lucky cause I loved you first.

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