Love. It's a short word. Only four letters.
Love has so many meanings.
I love macaroni and cheese.
I love the color blue.
I love summertime, the warm air, the sunny days, the smell of fresh flowers.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
But all those things pale in comparison to the love I feel for my husband and sons.
Love, those four letters, they become such a BIG word when in regards to them. That small word becomes so powerful, becomes so meaningful that all other words fail when trying to describe what it means. The joy I feel with every smile, every obstacle overcome, every hug, every kiss, every day with them is pure, insurmountable joy, warmth, happiness.... love.
A year ago, today, is the day I was suppose to give birth to my twin boys, Blake and Conor. But for all who follow our story know it didn't quite go as planned. This time last year, instead of welcoming into the world the two most perfect babies, my husband and I spent it in the NICU with our son Blake, and had only memories of our son Conor as he had already gained his angel wings. Blake was 3 and 1/2 months old, and Conor had been gone for 3 and 1/2 months. We were living four hours away, away from our normal, our family, our friends...away from our home.
Last year this day was so hard for me. It only brought sadness, and feelings of failure. It's hard to explain to others, but as a mother your responsibility is to protect your children. I felt as if I had failed. I failed to hold on. Failed to keep my precious boys in , I failed to carry our boys to term, or at least far enough along that they had a better chance at survival. I felt it was my fault. That it was either that I hadn't drank enough water, or I shouldn't have stayed on my feet so much, or I should have called into work that night... I should have done this, I could have done that. Last year when we celebrated Blake making it as far as he had, to his 'adjusted' first birthday I felt sad. I felt responsible. Sad that we couldn't celebrate both of them making it to that crucial day. Sad that I couldn't have made my body hold on. Sad that I had no control over my own body. Sad that I could have done more.
This year, this day is a happy day. It's a day that I can say we survived. I wish that life had been different. I wish that I could have had that picture perfect, movie-like birth with congratulation balloons, and flowers, smiles and people fighting over who gets to hold each baby. Friends and family gathered around, laughing and telling stories. Instead it was grievance flowers, and tears. Family and friends gathered around sitting silently and holding my hand telling me it would be okay and that I would survive it. But, looking back it is our story. I feel blessed for the friends and family that came, that they love me and Zach enough, to hurt and mourn along side us. I feel blessed looking back at how my husband and my love grew stronger through our heartbreak. I feel blessed to have my son Blake by my side, growing, thriving and most of all I feel blessed (although I wish he was with us) to have our angel consistently reminding me to love stronger, live better and to never take one second of life for granted.
Today is my sons' adjusted first birthday. And look at how far we have come!
Blake is now 15 months old.
Weight: 19 pounds.....still not on the charts.
Length: 30 inches...7th percentile- WOOHOO!!!
Blake's eats....ALOT! Hints the listing of eating....twice! He still is on baby food that I make and eats three meals a day. His favorite is always breakfast oatmeal with some type of fruit. Blueberries, bananas, strawberries, watermelon or plums seem to do the trick! Then he always has loved sweet potatoes, apples and cinnamon! He snacks in between, we are working on table foods currently he loves puffs and mum-mums but has been trying new things like broccoli, grilled cheese, veggies, and fruits cut into pieces.
Blake's loves his lion Leo, and sleeps with Him and his blankie every night.
Blake still has not ventured to say momma- even though I think he could, he insist on sticking with only saying dada and a few other non-describable words...baba, ahhhh, gagggagaga You get the picture!
Blake is such a happy child. He is always smiling, and don't think it's coincidental he knows when his picture is being taken and makes sure he cheeses real big! He is very playful, and loves to get about by rolling around. He can stand with assistance and can army crawl when prompted and prevented from rolling. Blake is calm and is truly the best child a girl could ask for!