Saturday, December 6, 2014

Conor James

I miss you the most when it's quiet. When it's dark and I lay trying to sleep. My brain hits a switch and I start to think. I wonder how your features would have changed. How you would have grown. How you would have interacted with your brother. I wonder what it would have been to be a mother of twins. To be exhausted, always have my hands full with the two of you. I wonder how I would have wrestled you two to the ground, lost it when you were both being crazy and loud. I wonder how I would have handled the stress. I wonder how different life would be. I wonder how great it would have been. When it's just me and my thoughts it's the worse. It's me yearning for what could have been. No one will ever fill that hole in my heart. It's been 2 years 7 months and 23 days since I held you in my arms- heart beating, your crinkled face, your soft skin. It's been too long since I felt you. I know this holiday you are spending with your great grandpa's and grandmas- you have friends in heaven, little ones playing with you. I know that there is a reason, and I know that you are taken care of but I miss you everyday. I love you Conor and I wish you the most merry Christmas with beautiful songs and lights and a happiness I know only those in heaven get to feel! I love you and I miss you everyday!

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