Friday, March 8, 2013

Remembering When.

The post have been minimal lately and I'm so sorry! It's been a rough few weeks with the nearing of Blake and Conor's birthday coming up. Such a bittersweet time, and as days pass remembering what we were preparing for a year ago is hard. It's hard to remember that a year ago we were buying two cribs and painting colors on the wall, going to the mother of multiples rummage sale, buying matching outfits and matching toys.
A year ago to this date we saw our first 4D ultrasound of the boys together. We sat and watched as Conor and Blake pushed each other side to side, fighting for more space.

We even had our first 4D ultrasound which captured what looked like Blake telling Conor a secret.

We were so excited, so innocent to what risks still lay ahead. All my worry went away, about miscarriage after we hit 20 weeks. Premature birth was the last thing on my mind, I knew it was a chance but I thought I'd worry about that closer to 30-32 weeks when that became more of a chance. This was our "happy" time. When the GLOW starts, that indescribable feeling of the boys kicking, and sharing those moments with Zach. The morning sickness had faded and I was starting to have more energy. It was such a good time.
Little did we know in 5 short weeks we would be meeting them both, and saying goodbye to Conor shortly after.
As the "anniversaries" near I have been having more and more hard days. The good news, so to speak, is that my "bad" days have transformed and shortened into "bad" hours instead. The heartbreak never goes away but I have become better at controlling it. Sometimes, I wish and I daydream, I dream that it were different, that I can watch them both grow, and play together, i dream of Conor's smile, his laugh. I wonder, I wonder who he would look more like, what he would be doing. All questions I long to know the answers too, but know I never will in this life...but yet
I am thankful, I am thankful everyday for what I have. Today I flipped through scripture to find one so fitting. "God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will"- Psalm 37:5
I find myself blessed in life, although it does not make my heart ache any less, I do find solace in believing Conor was needed for things bigger than I can or will ever understand. I find comfort knowing that God needed him more than we did here. We needed him to be our forever angel, our reminder to hug more, laugh longer, and to love constantly. Conor made a sacrifice to be our guardian, to fight harder than we ever could. He took care of Blake everyday in that NICU, he helped Zach push through those bad days, and helped me everyday find strength to pull myself out of bed and open myself up rather than pull myself down with grief. Conor is my angel, my strength, my love and my world.
Our Blakers is growing so fast, it's hard to think back to where we were 10 months ago, how we never thought we would be planning his first birthday. Blake is now 28 inches long and weighing 16lbs. He wears mostly 6 month clothing but sleepers have to be 9 month because of his length. He is still in his helmet but is nearing the end of his treatment which is great! We had scans done a few weeks ago to show the growth and transformation in his head(when we have those pictures we will definitely be posting that for everyone to see!) Blake is rolling side to side, onto his belly and make attempts to belly crawl. He sits with minimal support but not quite all by himself yet. He is doing so well in therapy and is just generally a very happy baby. he sleeps 11-12 hours through the night and I honestly think he would lay in his crib for hours if zach and I wouldn't rush in there every morning to grab him up! He rarely cries only for severe sleepiness or severe hunger. He fills our house with smiles and laughter pretty much all day...We are so proud to see the improvements and strides he has made, and are eager to see what else he will do in the future! God has blessed us with our miracle and I intend to enjoy every moment with him that I can!

We love our snuggle time! Can not ever get enough!

Blake and his new seat from therapy! I think he likes it!

Look at them big feet!

He is trying to be on the move lately...must keep a close eye on the little booger!

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