That's how many days I've lived without you.
That's how many days it has been since I held you in my arms.
That's how many days it's been since I felt the absolute worst pain in my life. It was a deep, sharp
You would be turning two on Friday.
I am usually strong. Forgive me, but today I can not be. It came to me out of no where. It crept up without warning. Without prompting. That ache....that pain. It's back. That excruciating tear, this deep hole literally dead center of my chest. It's like you see in movies, when peoples lives flash before their eyes. All I see when I close my eyes is you. You in my arms as I pleaded to God to not take you. Your Daddy holding us both. I bargained. I begged anything...I would have done anything to not have to let you go. I close my eyes and see that monitor. Your heart rate slowing. I remember that numbness that followed. That deep sense of losing myself. I was no longer me. I would never be the same. That bright eyed, super talkative, maybe a little too hyper self that was always smiling. I was sure I would never be that girl anymore. She was gone. Forever changed.
But....surprisingly. With time....
I laugh. I smile. I still say super silly jokes. I'm still really talkative, and maybe a little too hyper. Most importantly I genuinely feel happy. I am however, forever changed. Forever a different person. I will forever ache for you. I will forever wish I could celebrate every birthday with you. I will forever have this pain in my chest. It's been there for 1 year 11 months and 26 days. It's been there every one of those 727 days. That pain is a part of me. A constant reminder, that I loved someone so much, that my heart aches for him everyday. Permanently a part of me. You are mine. My very own, and I miss you so much! Happy early birthday my dear. Your mommy loves you.