Thursday, January 31, 2013

Diary of a Grieving Mother

Most days I am happy. Truly happy. I see my son and feel this overwhelming sense of purpose in life. This surreal feeling of knowing that you are the one constant in someone's life. Its hard to explain what it feels like to be that person... who comforts them when they are crying, the person who makes them giggle uncontrollably, the person who when you walk into the room from being gone at work all day who makes them smile ear to ear.
I am a mom.
I am a mom of a little boy who by all definitions is a MIRACLE.
What a blessing. What a honor.

Then there are those other days. Those days where I feel broken, and feel this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Surrounded by people, and yet still so lonely. Someone missing.
I am an angel's mom.
I am a grieving mom. I never wanted that title.
I never wanted to know what true pain felt like. On these days I can't explain to people why I look exhausted, I can't explain to people why am I not my normal self, to look at them am just say..."I miss my son! I just want my child back. Today my heart is breaking."  I do not want pity. I do not want that "look". Anyone who has experienced loss, knows that "look". A very selfless look, that comes from a wonderful compassionate place, yet it can make you feel so naked. So exposed.

What is hardest about my grief is that sometimes the one person who is such a blessing to me reminds me of the one person who is missing in my life. I look at Blake and see this wondrous child. This child who has overcome obstacles that would have stopped even the strongest of men. This child who defies all odds to be alive today. But ever so often I see this child that was once a two part deal. How do you have only "one" twin? It doesn't even make twin. How am I suppose to answer simple questions.
Is he your first? Is he an only child?
Then there are those days when I look into his eyes...

I look at his amazingly blue eyes and wonder.....
Would Conor's eyes have been blue...or would they have had my shade of green?

I look at his heart melting smile and wonder....
Would Conor's smile have been as big when I walked through the door?

I look at his face, with the shape and likeness of his father and wonder......
Would Conor have looked as much like Zach or would he have looked like me?

So many questions...left unanswered. Hopes and wishes that I once had for my two twin boys, gone. Altered to fit our now "normal" life. Multiple sides of me. The daily struggles of learning to be a new mom, as well as the daily struggles of being a mom to a child with therapies every week, doctors appointments, trips to Riley's, labs here, shots there...going stir crazy from being on lockdown. Unable to go to the grocery store on a whim or to lunch with a friend. The daily struggles of finding the time to take off your "mom" hat and be a wife, and friend. I have frazzled hair dos, baby food on my shirt, and sometimes I have tears in my eyes for no other reason than that I miss my son. Finding strength on these "other" days is hard. Finding faith, and hope, and comfort is almost painful. When your heart is breaking the last thing you want to do is stand up, wipe away the tears and praise God and thank him. Christianity is not easy. To believe in something you can't see its difficult. But when you have faith- you understand. You find strength you never thought you would have. You stand up when you thought you would never again. You wipe away tears, and you feel comfort. God does not place a path in front of you without a reason. You must keep the faith. You are allowed to cry, and have those other days as long as you eventually stand up and believe that there is a plan. So today I miss Conor. And I do wonder. I wonder who he would look more like, I wish for everyday that I could see his beautiful eyes, his heart melting smile, how I wish I could hold him and kiss his cheek. But I know its not forever, I will see him again. And today I also look at my sweet baby Blake..who isn't such a baby anymore. He is growing like a weed, and is such a blessing. What a blessing! What a miracle!
I am a mom.
I am also a grieving mother...

Psalm 73:26My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever

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