Tuesday, June 10, 2014
It's funny looking through the eyes of my youth. By all means I am not old, I am only 27 but my heart feels so much older.
Looking back through my eyes when I was 6 I remember thinking, "Nothing could be harder than this. I do not want to move. I have friends here. No one will like me at the new school. This is the worst day of my life- nothing could be worse than this!"
Looking back through my eyes when I was 12 I remember thinking, "Nothing could be worse than this! I can't believe I didn't make the team! This is the worst day of my life-nothing could be worse than this!"
Looking back through my eyes when I was 14 I remember thinking, "Nothing could be harder than this. Why do my parents have to get a divorce? This is the worst day of my life. This breaks my heart."
Looking back through my eyes when I was 15 I remember thinking, "Nothing could be harder than this. Why did he have to break up with me? Why does he not love me? This is the worst day of my life- This had completely broken my heart." This, again, was nothing.
From being 18 and fighting with a boyfriend, or being 21 and moving away from home, losing a grandparent, losing touch with best friends, these all heartbreaking moments in life are nothing. They are mere bumps that every single person experiences in their lives. It's heartbreak, and learning to grow from each of these experiences. But nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for the lose of a child. Nothing prepares you for the being a parent to a sick child. Nothing in comparison is as heartbreaking. My heart feels older than 27. It has more holes, more cracks in it than it should. At 24 I lost my son as he gained his angel wings. And I thought.... "Nothing could be worse than this. Why would you give him life just to take it away so swiftly? This is the worst day of my life. My heart is broken." This still rings true. That was the most single handed worst days of my life.
And my heart continues to break for the twin that I do get to spend my life with. It breaks with every hospital admission, every surgery Blake has. Not only did we lose one son, our other is constantly fighting something, defying some odd. He is being poked on, looked at, listened too. Instead of jumping in mud puddles- he is stretching- he is exerting every ounce of energy he has into therapy. Instead of telling people un-understandable stories he must try and communicate by pointing or using sounds- most of the time giving up in frustration as we can't figure it out. Instead of spending this spring running, climbing and playing outside. We have been hospitalized- four surgeries in and still haven't the clue what keeps causing his shunt to malfunction. In a perfect world I would tell you we deal with it and life isn't that hard we just do what we have to do- but in the real world I'll tell you---it sucks! Blake struggles, he gets sicker than most children, he can't do the things most two year olds can...and I'm not ashamed to say that sometimes as a mother being around children younger or even the same age as Blake that can do things he can't is frustrating. It's not selfish to want your child to have the best life- mostly I want it for him because I can see how much he wants it. I see the frustration, the fight in him- it's one of the main reasons Blake is where he is today. Because he is strong! Because he is determined! But as a mother I just wish it came easy to him. I want to take the hurt away. I want to take the constant medical care away and give him a normal childhood. It's heartbreaking. It's making me look back into the eyes of my 0-25 year old self and think how silly my heart breaks were before kids. How little I knew about what real heartbreak was.