Monday, July 23, 2012

It's a little more complicated.

July 23, 2012

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all.
-Psalm 34:17-19

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. The same questions asked, and the same response-
I am on auto pilot.
"so is he your first?"
"well, Blake is actually a twin."
"oh, how is his brother/sister?"
And then SWITCH....
auto-pilot, the same response again and again.
Some people think it might be easier to just omit the twin part, just tell them about Blake, not everyone has to know what happened,m but we can't omit Conor! Just leave him out, we want people to know he existed, that he was our little boy too! We don't want time to pass, and people to forget.

Some people might think "it's been three months it has to be getting easier right?" Easier is not the word- it's more complicated. It's complicated, so very complicated.
Some times its suffocating to hold in the tears when something triggers our brains and changes the mood from happy to grieving. Sometimes when looking at Blake when he cries, he looks like a picture we have of Conor. It makes the questions linger.
Would he and Conor have looked alike?
Do you think he knows?
What would it have felt like to have them both, hold them together?
What would it have been like when they first interacted outside of the womb together?

Some people might say, "well at least you have Blake, and look at how well Blake is doing!"
Yes Blake is doing well, but does that really mean we should think "well that stinks about Conor, but hey at least Blake's still here?!" and move on? It's not that easy, it's complicated! YES we are thankful! Thankful that unlike some who go home to a empty nursery, we will get to take Blake home with us! But at the same time we too are still left with an empty crib, and a broken heart.

Some may think the mourning period is coming to an end, it's been plenty of time.
But we have still never had the time to grieve. We have been far from home with Blake, fighting with him, fighting for his life! In a time where most parents would be grieving, we had to hold it in, and concentrate on our other sick baby. The two times since April 4th that we have been home we have only been in our actual house for no longer than 10 hours- enough time to sleep and shower. No time to sit, relax, and mourn.

On Zach and my last visit home we were in for two days, Sunday we went on a much needed visit- a much needed time of mourning- we went to Conor's grave site. We sat, we cried, we talked to him. We thanked him, we told him we loved him, we told him how proud we were of him and we told him how much we would give up to be able to hold him again!

Then a complicated feeling came over me, a peace, a calming. It was a beautiful day, hot but not humid, wind blowing through the weeping willow that sits nearby, Zach placed his hand on the ground at Conor's marker and said "we'll see ya later!"-  and we know it's true, we felt it. We know that one day we will see him again and he will show us where he grew up! Not sad, but excited, he will show us what we have been missing! He will show us the heaven that he grew up in, and he will remind us of all the times that he was with us, with Blake all along!! Today my heart is heavy, today my heart aches and longs for my two boys to be side by side. WHY TODAY? I'm really not sure, but I am sure that today I cherish my faith- my faith that provides me with his comfort, his everlasting grace and his constant blessings. Although times are rough, he has blessed me with with a loving husband, a beautiful son, and a guardian angel to watch and protect my family! He has blessed me with a supportive family, a large amount of loving friends, a home, but mostly he has blessed me with the knowledge that miracles do happen, and that we can survive this heartbreak, and he reminds me that with his love and trust we will thrive, we will be blessed!

"Every good and perfect gift come from above, 
we are blessed with twins to cherish and love. 
Born together to grow apart, 
one in our hands, and one in our hearts."

Update on Blake: Blake is doing well his feedings are now every 3 hours and go over 1 hour rather than dripping continuously, Blake is tolerating well, hopefully within the next week we can try bottle feedings. Blake has had a battle the past few days with some higher blood pressures requiring some medicine to bring it down, and in the future before discharge he will get a kidney ultrasound to make sure the blood pressures being high are caused from prematurity rather than it being a problem with his kidneys. Blake though has been a happy boy for the past 2 days, and his eyes are still adjusting seem to be looking better, tomorrow he will have his first eye exam POST surgery, so pray all goes well. Thanks everyone for all the support and reading the blog, not only is it an easy way to update everyone, but also allows us a place to document our fears, achievements, and thoughts! We love you all, and as always, continue to pray!!

"Are you just going to stare at me Dad or are you going to pick me up already!?!?"
 Blake wave hello to everyone!!
 "Oh goodness I went cross eyed again- MOM help me!!"
 Our Sleeping baby. 


  1. We will never forget Connor! I loved him as much as Mr.Blake, but your right we will see him again one day. He will show us all that he has been doing and I believe he will be to the one to introduce us to God. He will say look mom and dad I've been in great hands, he's taken care of me and even let me protect my big brother Blake! I also question how it would be to have both Connor and Blake here. God has great plans for Mr.Blake and little
    Brother Connor wil l be watching down and protecting him all along the way! I love you Zach, Katie, Mr.Blake, and Connor!

  2. I only knew you from nursing school but I've been following your story through facebook and your blogs. I had no idea how incredibly strong you are. A lot of times people will say the wrong thing because as bad as we may want to say something helpful, there's no way for us to understand without walking in your shoes. Both boys are your children and ALWAYS will be. I cry when I read your blogs, I can't imagine the strength you've had to live it. You are a "supermom" already. I know we never were close but I wanted you to know that you and your sons are close to my heart and always in my prayers.
    Amy Alexander-Shofner

  3. You are incredibly strong, I admire you and wish I could have your strength. I pray for you all everyday.


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