Sunday, December 30, 2012

My Letter to 2012.

Dear 2012,
Goodbye year!
You have been a roller coaster ride for sure!
You have been filled with many memories good and bad.
January 19th Zach and I found out that our first pregnancy did not just hold our first child but also our second. Twins! This was the most overwhelming feeling of happiness and fear Zach and I had ever felt up until that point in our lives... But whew, what a blessing to be given that responsibly! To be given that title. Parents of twins! Our life was a storybook... Boy meets girl, they fall in love, high school sweethearts, get married, and then have TWO babies! What a life!! And what a honor it was to be blessed with two, when some can't even have one! We were in the clouds!

February 9th- Zach's dream came true.... TWO BOYS!!

March 8th- the boys were growing well, and I was growing too!

April 4th- Zach and I had officially been together for 9 years and I went to work that night like it was any normal day. Little did I know that day would change my life, change my faith, my love for my family, and make Zach and I grow closer than ever before. This was the night my water broke, and we fought and prayed so hard to keep our little ones baking just a little while longer!

April 11th- this is the day our precious babies were born.
(We never knew how much they looked alike- we did find out a few months ago the boys were fraternal twins but by these two pictures zach and I really think they were going to look SOO much alike! Top picture-Conor--Bottom picture: Blake!)

April 12th- everyone knows what happened this day. This was the day I pray no one has to experience this was the day my dear sweet Conor gained his angel wings, this was the day I thought I would never survive. This is the day that makes me want to forget 2012 and leave it in the dust. This is the saddest day of my whole life.

April 26th started our long journey in Indy- four long hours from home...friends... And family.

May 6th- We laid our sweet angel to rest on a gorgeous sunny day, surrounded by our closest friends and family. I remember the wind blowing through the weeping willow beside his burial site. I will always remember this day and the beautiful words that were spoken, the many tears that were cried, the happiness I felt being able to have a whole day where the focus was on Conor, remembering and loving him! The sadness I felt knowing this was final, it was reality, my angel really was gone, and this was our new reality. We were parents of an angel baby.

Fast forward through May, June, and July... You know the story lots of surgeries, lots of tears, fears, obstacles and Blake just passed right through all of them!!

August 21st- home never looked or felt so sweet!

September- we settled back into life- back into normalcy. (Our own weird non tradition normalcy) We watched TV for the first times in months, slept in our bed, snuggled with our miracle baby, started PT and OT with Blake and finally were able to custom make Conor's headstone in memory of our guardian angel.

October- we celebrated Halloween, and learned to smile... And definitely perfected the pout!

November- we celebrated Thanksgiving and started teething.

December- we celebrated Christmas... We celebrated and rejoiced in the fact that we have survived! Through the best and worst year of our lives! We said hello to our first children this year- we welcomed two beautiful baby boys and we transformed from Zach and Katie to Dad and Mom. At the same time we said hello, not so long after, we had to say goodbye. We lived through loss and stand stronger in faith because of it. Not a day goes by that a piece of me doesn't ache, that a part of my mind doesn't wonder, and a small part of my faith doesn't question. But not a day goes by that we don't feel a piece of our heart filled with love for our fallen angel, that part of our brain remembers his Hargis chin and his tiny long hands and feet, and those moments we had alone with our sweet Conor will never be forgotten!

We never forget that a large part of our life now is held up by our faith- it is overwhelming waking up on a daily basis feeling faith flow through your body- and with every glance of Blake I am reminded of God's amazing work, a miracle lives and breathes in my home.
So goodbye 2012- I loved you, I mostly hated you, and I can't lie to myself or others.....
I am sure glad you are over!
I am sure counting down tonight...and Welcoming 2013!

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