June 25, 2012
Our journey has been full of ups and downs, tragedy and blessings, mourning and rejoicing, loss and life. All of these feelings all deriving from one huge feeling: LOVE. At times when the bad seems to out way the good I have learned to turn to God, not to question his path but rather to find comfort in it. Comfort in that all this grief and heartache comes from a love I, myself, had never known I could feel. A love for my children is a love that knows no bounds, a love I would die for, a love I have never known until my beautiful boys were born April 11th. I find that when times are rough God sends messages, scripture to me, whether it be through a card sent from a stranger, or a visit from a friend, or believe it or not google! (God does work in mysterious ways!) It was on a dark day, a day I don't like to remember, a day I felt as if I were in a hole and might never find my way out that I googled "verses to help you on a bad day"- it was that day I wrote the blog on May 16th called "timeline." It was the day the doctor told me Blake's ventilator settings could go no higher, that he would never get of the breathing machine, and asked Zach and I if we wanted to continue to do everything for Blake. It was that day we as parents had to ask ourselves if we were doing the right thing by fighting for him and doing everything we could to keep him here on earth with us. "Are we being selfish? Are we putting him through pain, for our own selfish reasons?" It was that day that I found the verse Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
It was this scripture that I found comfort and certainty that we, in fact, were following God's will and that we were doing the right thing...Only a little over a month later now and Blake is thriving! Blake is off the breathing machine that the doctors were convinced he would never get off of, and he is exceeding all expectations. Since then this verse has been spoken to me over and over,it doesn't surprise me that today I found myself back to it. In the NICU we always speak of ups and downs, and the roller coaster ride that it is. What I don't happen to mention is how hard it is emotionally as the parents. I tend to make a joke, or smile and make the best of a bad day, I rarely let on to people the emotional toll it takes on us, but today I will share another side of our story. The side that is not all good news. Blake has had a rough life, in his short 2 months he has struggled. At 3 weeks old I can remember sitting at the bedside crying with Zach, saying goodbye to our sweet little boy, our hearts aching. Pulling the webcam off of Blake's bed so that no one could see him like he was- lifeless and in pain. Blake's abdomen had caused an infection that was life threatening. We watched as he could barely move, feeling helpless as we sat with him, held his hands, and prayed constantly. We prayed hard, we didn't pray for him to live though. Instead we prayed for God's will to be done. If it was God's will to have Blake live we would rejoice in it, but if it had been the opposite and it was God's will to have Blake with him with Conor we would have mourned, but accepted that that was God's will. We put our faith in the Lord, we baptized Blake, and asked the Lord to help us. To bring us strength to accept which ever way he chose- we placed our trust in the lords hands and prayed that his will be done. His will was done, it was that very next morning God breathed life into Blake- and Blake's labs all started to improve and he became well enough to transfer here to Indy! It is these bad times that I know miracles happen.
Today I find myself looking back on the journey we have had. This weekend, more so Sunday, Blake had some bad moments with multiple bradycardias, without a known reason, and low temperatures. This is what we would consider a rough weekend. However to compare it has made me realize how far we've come. That now the bumps in the road that we have aren't nearly the mountains we at first had to cross but more like the speed bumps you cross over in a parking lot. Does the severity of the bumps make mommy and daddy less worried- no, but it does make us rely on prayer more. Today I read Jeremiah 29:11 over and over...."Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Blake has a future, but its still a long road ahead. A road full of therapy, and possible disappointments. BUT its also a road full of happiness, love, achievements, milestones, and everyday with Blake will be a true and utter MIRACLE in every sense of the word! We ask today for you to pray- pray for our patience, our strength to muscle through these last hurdles. We ask that you pray for Blake to continue to exceed all expectations, to thrive, and to conquer all these last hurdles! Prayer is a powerful thing, and even if you didn't believe before its hard to deny faith after seeing this lil' man beat every obstacle set before him. Tomorrow will be a day of test for Blake, we ask for prayers as we wait for some results regarding Blake's eyes, brain, and we will find out the plan regarding Blake's next surgery. Will try and keep you posted on the results, but for now we just ask for prayers of patience for us, and Prayers for growth and continued health for Blake!